Bat-stuffed pierogi a “likely” candidate for COVID origins, says WHO

Krakow, Poland – The announcement took everyone by surprise. After long months of excruciating investigation, the international team of experts of the World Health Organization (WHO) charged with investigating the origins of the COVID-19 pandemic shockingly identified Krakow as a “likely”, albeit “surprising” candidate that would explain how the virus was transmitted from animals to humans.

“As the investigation in Wuhan and China was stalling, we decided to broaden our scope and examine all possible avenues,” Scott Fairview, a WHO spokesman, said. “However unlikely they might seem at first.”

COVID origins found in Krakow, Poland

Additional medical and epidemiological experts were dispatched by the WHO around the world to follow more or less credible leads, and leave no stone unturned.

The breakthrough came where it was least expected. “After spending months negotiating with Chinese authorities to investigate in what we originally thought was the pandemic’s ground-zero, we identified the crucial missing link… in Europe, specifically in the historic Polish city of Krakow.”

“It really is a shame, because it’s one of the most beautiful cities I’ve visited, and now its reputation will most likely be ruined,” Scott Fairview added in an emotional off-script outburst, evidently fighting off tears.

The announcement caused a storm in Poland, especially as the main culprit is no less than one of the country’s most-beloved national culinary treasures.

According to the very real, 376-page report, the global pandemic originated from pierogi stuffed with bat meat sold at a market on Krakow’s main square, that were falsely marketed as traditional pierogi. Among the stall’s customers was a group of Chinese tourists from Wuhan, who traveled back to their hometown the following day. The rest, as they say, is history.

“Overwhelming” evidence

Initially reticent, Polish President Andrzej Duda eventually admitted that the evidence produced by the WHO team was “sadly overwhelming”, although apparently shifting the blame to the foreign tourists who consumed the Polish dumplings, rather than the Pole who made and sold them. “Pierogi has been part of Poland’s culture and lifestyle for centuries. Any Pole of sound mind would immediately have noticed the difference, and would have spit it out. If the tourists weren’t able to tell the difference, that’s on them. If anything, this shows Poland’s incredible entrepreneurial spirit and culinary creativity.”

A number of far-right organisations refuted the claims and slammed the report as “bureaucratic gibberish” meant to “soil the name of our country and its most beloved national treasure.”

During a press conference, a bewildered spokesman for the Chinese Ministry of Foreign Affairs evidently caught off-guard by the report’s conclusions simply said: “Wow, who knew right?”.

Identified as 66-year-old Jan Dó, the Krakow-based seller expressed remorse for his actions, nevertheless adding: “Everyone who tasted and bought my bat-stuffed pierogi were absolutely amazed, and many of them – including old grannies skilled in the ancestral art of Polish pierogi-making – tried to trick me into revealing what the secret ingredient was.”

Pangolin and bats advocates cross swords over COVID origins report

The International Association for Pangolin Protection (IAPP) immediately issued a statement welcoming the WHO breakthrough, and expressing the hope that this final conclusion will “finally clear the name of the beautiful animals who have faced an aggressive defamation campaign since the very start of the pandemic.”

Not so fast, responded the World Organisation for Friendly Relations Between Bats and Humans (WOFRBH). “Our honourable friends at the IAPP appear to have conveniently disregarded a footnote on page 215 of the WHO report which indicates, beyond any reasonable doubt, that small amounts of pangolin meat were also added in the infamous bat-filled pierogi, as per the testimony of Jan Dó.”

The novel coronavirus “could very well have come from these residual amounts of pangolin, rather than from bats, which are notoriously clean and well-groomed animals,” the WOFRBH continued, before venturing: “Our friends at the IAPP have it completely upside down.”