Humour Poland

U.S. man found dismembered in remote Polish town after suggesting pierogi “just aren’t that good”

Because humour is a fitting tool to discuss a world gone topsy-turvy, Kafkadesk is happy to present its new Satire column.

Opole, Poland – The peaceful Polish town of Dobrodzień is in an apparent state of shock since the discovery, last week, of its most heinous crime on record.

“We’re talking True Detective meets Seven meets The Menu”, district policeman and local movie buff Stanisław W. told our reporters.

With an evident sense of glee, the officer – who enjoys dabbling in thriller screenplays on the weekends – has been leading the investigation into the murder of Andy T., a 24-year-old Chicago-native whose body was found gruesomely mutilated and dismembered in the potato fields on the outskirts of Dobrodzień.

“Andy arrived in the town last Thursday and had apparently been backpacking across Central Europe for several weeks,” Stanisław W. explains. “According to some eyewitnesses, he quickly engaged in discussion with some locals in the town tavern about what Polishness meant, and about the customs and traditions that make Poland such a great country.”

Reportedly boasting of a 1/16 Polish ancestry thrice removed by marriage, the inebriated youngster soon got carried away, lyrically discarding “the obsolete nature of mundane and miscellaneous post-modern markers of national identity in a borderland region long defined by shifting borders, alternating loyalties and cultural as well as culinary melting pots” – paraphrasing, as Stanisław W. quickly discovered, the only book he was carrying in his backpack, of which the bookmark indicated he had read 12 full pages, preface included.

But the worst was yet to come, as our source revealed. “Then, he went one step too far and crossed Poland’s gastronomic Rubicon. Now fully plastered, he got up and tragically exclaimed: ’I mean come on guys, let’s get real for a minute; everyone knows pierogi just aren’t that good!’”

Those may very well have been his last words, Stanisław W. tells us somberly.

What happened afterwards, however, remains unclear. About half of Dobrodzień’s residents – including women and children – were present at the scene in the local bar, but none of the eyewitnesses can recall what ensued, nor has any clue how Andy T.’s dismembered body found its way to the nearby potato fields. Or, for that matter, how it came to be dismembered in the first place.

“It’s a real head-scratcher,” lead-investigator Stanisław W. concludes, “but would make for a great, Glass Onion-type murder mystery, don’t you think?” he adds, winking at us.

Reminder: all the events, quotes and situations mentioned in this article are fictitious. Check out our Humour section for more.