Czech Republic Humour

Ústí nad Labem declares independence after being “accidentally” left out of Czech census

Because humour is a fitting tool to discuss a world gone topsy-turvy, Kafkadesk is happy to present its new Satire column.

Ústí nad Labem, City-State of Ústí nad Labem – In the shadows of Putin’s attempt to redraw Europe’s borders by force, a new state was, awkwardly and discreetly, born this week close to the Czech-German border.

“From midnight tonight, our beloved town of Ústí nad Labem will become a fully fledged independent city-state free from the shackles of Czech abuse and contempt”, mayor Michal C. announced in a solemn address in front of city hall in the early hours of Thursday morning.

“This is the dawn of a new day”, the mayor exclaimed, gesturing towards a dark and covered sky where neither dusk nor dawn have been spotted in months.

Under the scattered cheers of the rain-defiant listeners, mayor Michal C. laid out the next steps, urging citizens to make the most of this opportunity and leave the “technicalities” – like the new city-state’s currency, its laws, or relationship to the EU – “to a later date”.

Whether in thought or deed, political philosophers and ambitious conquerors have for centuries demonstrated the fickleness and artificiality of our borders.

But rarely in history was a country born overnight because of what has been described as a “simple and unfortunate bureaucratic blunder”.

The main culprits? The Czech Bureau of Demographics, which reportedly forgot to dispatch officials to Ústí nad Labem and surrounding localities to conduct the 2023 census fieldwork.

The mistake, which has been described as “accidental” and “honest” by a CBD spokesman, was only discovered when officials started aggregating data from across the country.

Apart from the slight population drop, other statistical clues alerted authorities that something was amiss: Czech GDP per capita increased exponentially, while the National Happiness and Wellbeing Index reached a level “unprecedented” in three decades. At the same time, nationwide levels of drug use, soft and hard, dropped dramatically in all categories.

The Czech Ministry for Regional Development issued a timid apology after the scandal broke, but no steps appear to have been taken to bring the secessionist city back into the mould.

“Our position is simple: live and let live,” a government spokesman said distractedly while leafing through the census results with sparkling eyes. “If they wanna have a go at it on their own, what can we possibly do about it? I say let them, and Godspeed”.

Reminder: all the events, quotes and situations mentioned in this article are fictitious. Check out our Parody section for more.

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